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Atari Mega Archive 1
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Atari Mega Archive - Volume 1.iso
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jokes.qte
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1992-07-05
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A woman runs into a police station screaming with fright. "Constable,
the ape from the circus escaped and it's on my roof."
"I know just who to call", the Constable says, "We'll be right over."
In less than ten minutes the Constable and another fellow arrive. The
man is carrying a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun, and is leading a
very mean looking dog. As they arrive they spot their quarry. The
copper turns to the man and says, "OK, what's the plan?"
"Well", replies the man, "I will go up on the roof, make some kind
of disturbance, and try to scare him off the roof. When the ape falls
off the roof, the dog is trained to run up to him and bite his nuts
off. While the ape is in pain you walk up to him and put the
handcuffs on him. Dead easy."
The Constable says, "That does sound easy. What's the shotgun for?"
"That's in case I fall off the roof first - you're going to shoot
that bloody dog."
#
The Argument
============
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Nothing is impossible until it's sent to a committee.
#
Whenever things appear to be getting better it means that you've
overlooked something.
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the
credit.
Photocopiers make rapid reproductions of human errors.
Everyone talks, some hear, few listen- and almost no one understands.
When things are made absolutely clear people become confused.
The first 90% of any job takes 10% of the time- the remaining 10% takes
90% of the time.
A badly planned project takes four times longer to complete than
expected, a well planned project only takes twice as long.
Variables won't, constants aren't.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
#
Unisys recently launched their B56 supercomputer at a presentation in
Liverpool. The salesman said that the computer would answer any
question put to it and invited one of the guests to try it out.
"Where is my father?", typed the guest.
"FISHING ON THE MERSEY", was the response.
"That's wrong!", said the guest, "My father died years ago."
"Try asking the question another way." suggested the salesman -
certain that the computer would work.
"Where is my mother's husband?" typed the guest this time.
"YOUR MOTHER'S HUSBAND DIED 20 YEARS AGO AND IS BURIED IN ANFIELD
CEMETRY. YOUR FATHER HAS JUST CAUGHT A 3 POUND SALMON."
#
Good Manners & Courtesy Society of North England
23 Chamberlain Street
Barnsley
2nd July, 1989.
Good Manners & Courtesy Society of South England
12 Lombard Street
London
Dear Sirs,
We wish to thank you for your letter of the 30th June thanking us
for our letter thanking you for your letter thanking us for our
letter thanking.......
#
NOTICE
THE OBJECTIVE OF ALL DEDICATED
COMPANY EMPLOYEES SHOULD BE TO
ANALYSE THOROUGHLY ALL SITUATIONS,
ANTICIPATE ALL PROBLEMS PRIOR
TO THEIR OCCURRENCE, HAVE ANSWERS
FOR THESE PROBLEMS, AND MOVE SWIFTLY
TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS WHEN CALLED
UPON.........
HOWEVER........
WHEN YOU ARE UP TO YOUR ARSE IN
ALLIGATORS, IT IS DIFFICULT TO
REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOUR INITIAL
OBJECTIVE WAS TO DRAIN THE SWAMP.
#
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother
appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three
wishes she wants.
"Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman.
"Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of them
"Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than she
she had ever imagined possible.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he then saunters across the
porch and whispers in her ear,
"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
#
STRESS
THE CONFUSION CREATED WHEN
ONE'S MIND OVERRIDES THE
BODY'S BASIC DESIRE TO CHOKE
THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOME
ASSHOLE WHO DESPERATELY
NEEDS IT!
#
An elderly couple came into the judge's chamber and asked for a
divorce. The judge was totally appalled. "I cannot believe that you
are hear in my court. You people are 94 years old and have been
married for 63 years. Why didn't you divorce years ago if you were
unhappy? I simply don't understand it."
The wife looks at the husband and the husband looks at the wife. Then
the husband turns to the judge and says, "Well, Your Honour, we
decided to wait until the kids were dead."
#
Q: "Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling in his cabin ?"
A: "Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before..."
#
Q: "What is the similarity between the Enterprise and toilet paper ?"
A: "They both revolve around Uranus (your anus) and wipe out Klingons
(cling ons)."
#
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace."
#
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
#
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that
they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in
the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security
officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back
in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out
of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is
suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free
and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the
Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk
et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its
five year mission.
#
Mummy, Mummy, what's a lesbian?
Shut up and ask your father when she gets home.
#
Mummy, Mummy, I hate Sis' guts.
Well leave them on the side of the plate dear.
#
Mummy, Mummy, why does Daddy run so fast?
Shut up and keep shooting.
#
Mummy, Mummy why do I walk round in circles?
Be quiet or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
#
Mummy, Mummy, Granny's gone out.
Well put some more paraffin on then!
#
Mummy, Mummy, what sort of children go to Heaven?
Dead ones.
#
Mummy, Mummy, why can't I go to the seaside?
Shut up, you know very well that your iron lung won't fit into the
VW.
#
Mummy, Mummy, why does Grandma read the Bible so much?
Because she's cramming for her Finals dear.
#
Daddy, Granny's been run over by a lorry.
Don't make me laugh, you know I have chapped lips.
#
Mummy, Mummy, the au pair girl's in bed with a strange man. Ha,
ha, April Fool,